I must preface this blog by stating that I have officially sold myself out. I have cancer. I have a blog. I even gave it a name...not the cancer, the blog. Apparently I am more cliche than I thought. At least I still have my good friend honesty to console me in these times of disappointment since dignity just plain walked out the door. Honesty, being my most redeeming quality. For the past three months all I've stated (matter of factly I might add) is how commonplace it is to suddenly find out that you have cancer and then start a blog. To make matters worse half the time I told people of my diagnosis they encouraged me to do as such. As if it were some cancer right of passage. It felt more like a job I didn't want to accept and did I even apply? A blog was much too demanding and too much of a burden for my new found cancer-life. "What next?" I pondered. Was I now expected to suddenly dust off those rose colored glasses I was apparently wearing and find the real meaning to life, become a highly wise and enlightened individual, start a charity, solve world peace and of course celebrate my new blog, perhaps the book and selling of the movie rights? No. I didn't ask to be thrust into this cancer world I was in and I certainly wasn't going to enjoy my time in it. Take that cancer!
I was determined NOT to be this kind cancer patient. I'm exaggerating of course, but only slightly. In fact, I still do not call myself a "cancer patient." It just seems so unlike me, even still, healthy, wheat-grass shot taking, organic-vegetarian food-loving yoga girl, who can count on one hand the amount of Advils popped in a two year span. How did this all happen? Hodgkins Lymphoma by the way. No one knows. It's 2013 and with all the medical and scientific advances made daily all I get is a shrug and 6 months of chemo. Some say the mono virus may have something to do with it. How I wish I never kissed that boy my freshman year in high school. Was he the cause of my new awful fate? It SO wasn't worth it in retrospect although if you asked the 15 year old me I might have said otherwise. Hindsight is 20/20. I figured I would throw in at least one actual cliche for good measure.
My mind has been combed over more times than most balding men comb in a lifetime. Where did these tumors come from? Why did my little lymphies get so confused and start replicating the bad guys. I'm not so often confused, why the hell were they? Maybe it was all a big conspiracy? Did I mention the Monsanto Company too many times on Facebook? Were they out to stop me, cancer being their method of choice? Perhaps it was something more spiritual? Some big lesson the Universe wanted me to learn the hard way down the long bumpy cancer road. I admittedly did have a lot of negative thoughts this past year. Could the stress have manifested itself into this ugly monster? Surely some others who belonged to the cancer free club had to have much more stress than me. Or maybe it was from negative thoughts pummeled upon me by the Lauren naysayers of the world? Sad, but true, there are a few. Perhaps my well water had been contaminated? Did I live too close to a power plant? Was some neighbor down the way showering his lawn with noxious dare-I say-it Monsanto products and was I the unlucky soul caught in the updraft? Finding the cause still continues to be an exhausting and daunting task and truth be told, I may never get to know. It did ultimately lead to a very extensive crystal collection but that's a story for another day and may even deserve its own blog.
I did and still do feel cheated. And deeply saddened. I WAS already happy before my diagnosis, I WAS already spiritually inclined with super healthy eating habits to boot. I WAS already a good person with a good heart. I didn't need to learn more lessons, at least not this way. I didn't even litter for goodness sake! I even listened to all the anti cancer propaganda. "Drink green tea!" I did this - 5 cups a day! "Eat broccoli, garlic, and plenty of antioxidants!" Yes, I did that! "Don't eat meat!" Five years a Vegetarian and counting! "Don't live by that power plant " It's confirmed, I didn't!
I did EVERYTHING right. Mostly... 90%. I give myself an A- in the Human Category allowing for a few vices here and there. Admittance number two, I DID smoke cigarettes socially. Capris. Not anymore of course, lung toxicity is a high risk with the kind of poison they pump me into me during infusions. However, my boyfriend will testify I never inhaled. It's true. We made the discovery one night back in the old smoking days several months ago. Who would have known Clinton and I would have something in common after all. And no, that doesn't make me a Republican. And yes I did i did indulge in a glass of wine or two... or three or four but was someone else really counting? I sure wasn't, except for maybe now. It was as if I was simply plucked from underneath my little happy tree and thrown into the pit of despair. No warning, no heads up, not even an "I'm sorry, this is really going to suck." "Best wishes," perchance? Not a chance.
It is with the same grave look of disdain I gave myself before writing this blog that I give again in finally accepting my illness, my cancer. I have it for now, but I certainly don't have to like it.
I was determined NOT to be this kind cancer patient. I'm exaggerating of course, but only slightly. In fact, I still do not call myself a "cancer patient." It just seems so unlike me, even still, healthy, wheat-grass shot taking, organic-vegetarian food-loving yoga girl, who can count on one hand the amount of Advils popped in a two year span. How did this all happen? Hodgkins Lymphoma by the way. No one knows. It's 2013 and with all the medical and scientific advances made daily all I get is a shrug and 6 months of chemo. Some say the mono virus may have something to do with it. How I wish I never kissed that boy my freshman year in high school. Was he the cause of my new awful fate? It SO wasn't worth it in retrospect although if you asked the 15 year old me I might have said otherwise. Hindsight is 20/20. I figured I would throw in at least one actual cliche for good measure.
My mind has been combed over more times than most balding men comb in a lifetime. Where did these tumors come from? Why did my little lymphies get so confused and start replicating the bad guys. I'm not so often confused, why the hell were they? Maybe it was all a big conspiracy? Did I mention the Monsanto Company too many times on Facebook? Were they out to stop me, cancer being their method of choice? Perhaps it was something more spiritual? Some big lesson the Universe wanted me to learn the hard way down the long bumpy cancer road. I admittedly did have a lot of negative thoughts this past year. Could the stress have manifested itself into this ugly monster? Surely some others who belonged to the cancer free club had to have much more stress than me. Or maybe it was from negative thoughts pummeled upon me by the Lauren naysayers of the world? Sad, but true, there are a few. Perhaps my well water had been contaminated? Did I live too close to a power plant? Was some neighbor down the way showering his lawn with noxious dare-I say-it Monsanto products and was I the unlucky soul caught in the updraft? Finding the cause still continues to be an exhausting and daunting task and truth be told, I may never get to know. It did ultimately lead to a very extensive crystal collection but that's a story for another day and may even deserve its own blog.
I did and still do feel cheated. And deeply saddened. I WAS already happy before my diagnosis, I WAS already spiritually inclined with super healthy eating habits to boot. I WAS already a good person with a good heart. I didn't need to learn more lessons, at least not this way. I didn't even litter for goodness sake! I even listened to all the anti cancer propaganda. "Drink green tea!" I did this - 5 cups a day! "Eat broccoli, garlic, and plenty of antioxidants!" Yes, I did that! "Don't eat meat!" Five years a Vegetarian and counting! "Don't live by that power plant " It's confirmed, I didn't!
I did EVERYTHING right. Mostly... 90%. I give myself an A- in the Human Category allowing for a few vices here and there. Admittance number two, I DID smoke cigarettes socially. Capris. Not anymore of course, lung toxicity is a high risk with the kind of poison they pump me into me during infusions. However, my boyfriend will testify I never inhaled. It's true. We made the discovery one night back in the old smoking days several months ago. Who would have known Clinton and I would have something in common after all. And no, that doesn't make me a Republican. And yes I did i did indulge in a glass of wine or two... or three or four but was someone else really counting? I sure wasn't, except for maybe now. It was as if I was simply plucked from underneath my little happy tree and thrown into the pit of despair. No warning, no heads up, not even an "I'm sorry, this is really going to suck." "Best wishes," perchance? Not a chance.
It is with the same grave look of disdain I gave myself before writing this blog that I give again in finally accepting my illness, my cancer. I have it for now, but I certainly don't have to like it.
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